This Is England

So, we all sit there from time to time making fun of our good old friend the Americans and stereotyping them with their Californian dreams and cheerleaders no matter how much we love them, but the second they come back at us with a bit of ‘banter’ as us Brits so often say, all hell breaks loose!

You see, lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about us Brits and our ‘banter’ and I think it’s safe to say that we’re all complete imbeciles. We think it’s ‘banterous’ to call our mates names and then say “ah yeah it’s alright do innit, cos it’s just banter bruv”. Like, no, I don’t think so Charlie Sampson from Newcastle who calls himself ‘C Dog’ because that’s more ‘cool’, it probably isn’t very funny for your poor mate who is now going to go home and cry a little. Although, of course he couldn’t do that in front of you because that wouldn’t be ‘manly’ and of course he’d obviously be ‘gay’ wouldn’t he? Grow up ‘lads’.

Enough with my rant, this post is aimed to be funny, I hope you’ll look at my list below of facts about us Brits and it gives you a chuckle, we are certainly all whacked!

  • Cheeky Nando’s – Forever a mystery we will not be able to explain why a Nando’s is cheeky nor why the ‘lads’ who go in there need to have rolled up skinny jeans, a snapback and speak like chavs, however, us Brits are down right obsessed with a cheeky Nando’s! All your mates pop up in the Facebook group chat which is called something utterly embarrassing like “Banter Bus on a Friday night and Johnathon is probably like “lads, let’s get food” and then ten minutes later after some bickering some little banter king called Jack is like “I know boys, cheeky Nando’s!” and all of them are like “ah, yes son you absolute ledge!” and of they all ball it down to Nando’s. Us as Brits love it… I’ve got a rewards card and have flled it up twice… It’s the halloumi…
  • TEA – I don’t care how stereotypical it is for us Brits to love tea but we darn well are all obsessed with the stuff! On a personal level I hate it which means when I enter Waitrose and want to use my myWaitrose card I can’t get my free hot beverage because I hate tea and coffee. However, all my friends will drink it regardless of time nor place! Feel stressed? Tea. Hungover? Tea. Thirsty? Tea. Revising? Tea. Tea. Tea… TEA!!!
  • ‘Lads’ – Now apart from the sociological studies done to actually prove that there is a ‘lad’ culture among the youth of today, it is what makes you a lad which baffles me. Oh no, it has nothing to do with gender or the fact that you were born male, it is how you act… To be a lad you must apparently be a part of a group. These mates can be your pals from the rugby, but now you’ve got to go to the gym together, wing-man each other at the clubs, go see Imagine Dragons together. You are a pack. Next you’ve got to pick who is the top dog of this pack, there will be one ‘top lad’ who you will know as the ‘Bantersaurus Rex’, he will be the mug that plays pranks on the rest of you and knows all of the good contacts to get you into all of the good house parties. Hold on to that ‘cool dude’ he will definitely keep you out of prison… Next is how you look, to be a ‘lad’ you must dress like one; I recommend getting yourself a nice shirt with the Ralph Lauren logo stitched in, some skinny rolled up jeans from Topshop and some Jordan’s. Make sure to show off the biceps, then you’re ready to roll. Now you’ve got the look, let’s work on that accent. Proper ‘lads’ do not speak in posh middle class voices as it just doesn’t comply with the rep you’re trying to build, attempt to pop in some ‘lad language’ like ‘wavey’, ‘sort’, ‘butters’ or ‘peng’. People will definitely work out what sort of guy you are immediately. ‘Banter’! Make sure you definitely have some ‘banterous’ exchanges over Facebook and Twitter and other social media sights just to concrete the fact that you really are a ‘don’. Oooh check me out popping in some ‘lad language’… Now you’ve manage to look and sound like a ‘lad’ you’ve got to do the next big thing you’re going to be known for for the rest of your ‘lads on tour’ career and that is disrespecting females! Make sure that if you’re talking to a girl, ask her to send you nudes and make sure that you speak to her for a long time and then drop her when you find someone ‘fitter’. Oooh look; I did it again… God knows why we all love these ‘lads’ so much but we girls can’t seem to stop finding you irresistible so keep going boys, we’re sure you’ll work out that being a ‘fuckboy’ isn’t so fun at the end of it all when you’re alone and sad.
  • Summer – When the sun comes out that is it! Us Brits are out there like we’re in bloody Ibiza trying our best to get some kind of tan. You can’t blame us, it’s been raining the whole way through June and then we see that first burst of a sunbeam through the clouds in July and that’s shorts on, caps out, t-shirts off and towels down boys!
  • Apologetic – We can’t seem to help ourselves as Brits. We apologise for absolutely everything even if it is not our fault! Take this story for example, you’ll be walking along the high street and someone who has their eyes glued to their phone screen bumps into you and you look at them and you say sorry! As if you are apologetic that you were happily enjoying your day and had the cheek to walk in the same path as them and not see them coming because you were looking up and actually appreciating there is a world above your phone screen unlike them!
  • Polite – We are too damn polite. I heard a story from a British friend of mine who spent some time in America who said they thought it was laughable just how polite we all are as a country. She was staying in a room with two American girls and apparently after one had been to the toilet she screamed “you’re gonna wanna give that a few minutes!!” due to the smell! We Brits wouldn’t dream of being so straight up, not unless we had at least had three Strongbows down our throats first. If that was one of us we would simply spray the room full of body spray to mask the smell ad then discreetly but quickly move our little butts out there before anyone could accuse us of being the culprits!
  • Freebies – Do not get us started on freebies. Whether it be the school fete, the careers fair, freshers week or your first day on the job, if there are freebies we will have them ALL. I know that going on university open days if there were pens on the tables or a free bottle of water I would shovel it all into those free canvas bags they give you and yank it all home on the one shuttle bus and three train rides home just so I had load of stuff which said “… University” on it! It was the same with the school careers fairs, I had next to know interest in joining the PDSA however if they had a free little pink or blue pen with poor prints on I would have one of each colour and damn I remember when I put one down and some year 11 stole it from me when I wasn’t looking. I mean, she wasn’t even getting a job for another three years. Who needed that pen more? Her or me? I felt like it was me…
  • Royalists – I am a supporter of the Queen as she is whom owns our country but some of our Royalists in this country are just obsessive. From time to time I have made the joke that I would find it funny if we found out that what our Queen does is sitting in her counting house in a pure gold tracksuit listening to R&B going “woop woop! It’s the sound of the police!” when a sergeant walked in… However I remember one person who I told this story to who was a Royalist and they went absolutely ballistic at me spouting home truths about how she had read the Queen’s biography and this simply was offensive. I didn’t care but I truly believe it is a wonder how we as Brits are so obsessed with such a small family!

These are just a few of the many weird things us Brits do and if you can think of any more be sure to comment them below! I hope this post did not cause too much offence as it was only meant for humorous purposes, however if you do have a problem with it I might just tell you to “bog off!” like all good Brits do.

With love,

Emma xxxx

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2 thoughts on “This Is England

  1. Not related to this particular post but, I saw this blog from someone’s Facebook and just wanted to comment on how much I’m enjoying reading through it. I used to go to Belfairs too and remember you so it’s kinda cool reading about the world through your eyes and experiences. Lovely writing style too, keep going x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! Please spread the word if you’re enjoying the posts and it’s an honour to have someone tell me they’re liking my work! Hope you’re keeping well.
      With love,
      Emma xxxx

      Like

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