I am most disappointed in myself to have to say that I have not been keeping up t date with my blog and I want to apologise to all of my readers for that. In the recent months I have been moving into university, starting a new course and getting involved in a life that is full of so much zeal and excitement that I sometimes got too caught up in it. As a result of this living, it has become apparent to me that I have lost control a little of the reigns of my life and have only just been able to see this.
Today I want to write a plea to you, my readers, also. I have allowed myself for quite some time to seek the comfort of boys, both online and in person to make me feel wanted and to make me almost not have to miss my deceased father quite so much, but I want to beg you to never ever lower yourself to this place. Countless times I have been promised dates and love and the opportunity to feel truly secure in a relationship and this simply has not happened due to my naivety and the fact that most guys online are looking for one thing only, and that is sex.
The world can be a cruel place and it is full of young men who want to use vulnerable girls to have their way with them and it can cut us ladies deeper than what they understand. Since I am on a scriptwriting course, I one day vow to make a film about the pain we have been emotionally caused by some boys (and girls can do it to men too remember!). I am sick of guys sitting there and saying that he’s just going to “blow her off” because she bores him now or he has found someone better. I am sick of blokes saying they have “a girl” who they’re with but they still fuck around, and when asked why, they said “because I have needs innit”. These girls who are your “main bitches” don’t need to be treated that way! Do you not think that we get jealous knowing the guy that we love is sleeping around with somebody else? Do you not understand how that can make us feel as of we are worth so much less than everybody else because we clearly aren’t pleasing you enough in that relationship? Plus, because you “have a dick” is not an excuse.
Every time I find inspiration to write here on the blog it is because of something that has happened in my life and as well as what I have mentioned above about my constant use of dating apps to find love which is clearly cutting me too deep for me to allow it to carry on, last night I was stood up. I wasn’t just stood up on a street corner for half an hour, oh no.
This September I moved to Poole to attend Bournemouth University and on the not-so-well-renowned-for-love dating app Tinder I found a lad who I thought was nice and we decided to go on a date! I was not completely sold on him yet hence why I wanted to meet and he suggested dinner yesterday evening. He had a two hour train journey to make and told me had left at quarter to two, when I was completely ready in full makeup at midday. So I did all I could do, wait. When it got to about 6pm, I did begin to wonder where he was. He wouldn’t answer his phone, his Snapchat wouldn’t open any messages, iMessages weren’t sending through either. Then at 7pm I saw he had blocked me on everything.
I broke down crying. I stripped myself of everything I was wearing and threw it down to the floor before shamefully yanking on pyjama bottoms and a hoodie and then collapsing into my bed to sob. When I lifted my face I had mascara pouring down my cheeks and had to call friends and family to express my pure embarrassment and humiliation. I do not care even to this day that I have lost him, but I do care about the way he made me feel and the way I do still feel which is that I am not sure I can ever trust a guy the way I have been since that moment and that I am more ashamed of the situation than I ever should be. Especially since I should not have to feel so awful over something I had no control over and something I gave my whole self to, something I was vulnerable to.
It happened to me. I got stood up and was left to pick up the pieces at the end of it all. Sure, you can laugh and say that this really isn’t that big of a deal, but I don’t think anyone should be making judgments like that about anybody until you have felt the way that feels. Why tell me he was on his way? Why tell me he was on the train? Why ask me to get beautiful for him? Then why let me down by leaving me all alone here at home waiting for him to pick me up. I have an amazing network of family and friends and flatmates now too, but it is still embarrassing to even have to face them alone when you were meant to be accompanied that evening because you have to explain the result of something that you can’t even begin to make sense of yourself. So, in conclusion I almost want to say that this was my letter to all guys that think it is acceptable to stand girls up, make them feel small, and block them before they bore you, maybe understand first and foremost that they have a heart and a soul and they can feel. They are not your toys to play with.
Thankfully I am going to my first aquarium in Bournemouth today which I’ll be sure to tell you all about which will distract me from the God awful pain I feel right now. I have missed you all so very much and I promise I’ll keep writing here.
P.S. Do not hesitate to email me if you are facing an issue similar to that and would like to speak to somebody about it.