Hey everyone, I think it is time I released a few personal truths to you all and to explain why I haven’t been able to bring myself to write for a while here on the blog. Please, be patient with me, and I will explain.
For a long time now at university I have felt somewhat unhappy. I wake up in the morning and if there is no one around I feel utterly alone and desolate. I feel as if I have developed dependency issues and can no longer bare to spend any time without people around me. This comes from spending all my time regularly with my flat and friends there and then struggling when there is no one else around. This is so out of character to me because the days that used to excite me the most were the days at home in Essex where I could spend time alone and watch whatever I wanted and not be told what to do. But now, the thought of that terrifies me. The thought of having to sit and think and not be able to escape my own head.
I have to admit, some years ago I didn’t believe in anxiety. Please, no one be offended by this comment, I was just somewhat ignorant to it’s existence back then. I thought “oh, it’s just worry”, but I believe now that I have developed it, and I openly apologise to all those I ever dismissed when they said they felt anxious. At university I have experienced two big panic attacks, to the extent of which I have found myself hiding under my work desk in my room terrified that something was coming to harm me or get me. Of course, nothing could. My windows were shut, the curtains closed, the door locked and no one inside, but still, I was paranoid. I can’t even explain where this fear stemmed from nor why I ever felt like there was “something coming for me” but I did, and it was then that I knew there was something a little wrong inside me.
I have always been open with my readers on this blog and I wanted to stress to you all, that no matter how small or insignificant my little journey back to my normal self may be, I will update everyone on the things that happen and what I am told in order to help some of you guys out if you’re scared to speak out about your own issues.
Today at 10am I have a telephone assessment with an NHS company called Steps2Wellbeing who will be telling me what they think of my case and what the best steps forward are for me. I am by no means saying that I have a severe case of depression or anxiety like I know many people reading this may have, I just want to share how I feel and if anyone else feels the same, offer some kind of solution to their issue or at least give them the confidence to speak up.
I felt that coming home to Essex for the Easter holidays would make me feel better, and it has to an extent. I celebrated my mother’s birthday yesterday and I have seen some people that I haven’t seen in the longest lengths of time, but have reconciled with again. However, it hasn’t completely. I found myself getting ready to go clubbing with close friends and feeling pure terror, something was going to happen to me that night. This all sounds so dramatic but it is what I really thought as I was sat in that Wetherspoons. I know it’s not like me to feel this way and I often now feel sick to the stomach about going to certain places. I am hoping for this to change after the assessment however.
On a more positive note, I would like to share some fantastic news with you all. I received a payment into my PayPal account about a month ago with a message from a woman I had been talking to on Starnow. The message said that I had been selected to have my poems published in an anthology called The Creative Collective Anthology that will be published sometime this year. As soon as I found out I rang all my friends and let them know the good news and will be sure to let you all know the release date of the book when I know it myself. I would like to just say a quick thank you to all of you who have pushed me to always keep going with my writing and also to those who have complimented my work and given me the confidence to keep going.
I apologise for writing such a half-gloomy post today, but it is something I felt I had to discuss and share with you all. I will be better soon and will be sure to keep everyone updated on new developments not only with me, but with things I feel will help you all over the next few months with more summer plus size fashion tips and exercise plans.
I’ll be back with another post very soon!