Loss

So on the 20th of April it was my dad’s birthday, well, what would have been at least. Over two years ago now I lost my dad to something called Ischemic heart disease. Ischemic heart disease is a condition where the heart has a reduced blood supply and consequently causes the heart to shutdown and have an “attack” that kills them.

I cannot deny that the loss of my dad is something that was extremely difficult for me, it is something that I will never ever forget. Sometimes even when you know that there was nothing you could do (which there wasn’t in his case) you still blame yourself and constantly go over the possibilities of things you could have done, if you could have prevented it, if you should have spoken more that night, if they should have even gone to work that day, if you contributed to it… The list is genuinely endless.

I struggled heavily with this when my dad passed. I blamed myself for a long time but tried to be strong; as I wanted to be able to talk about it with people without crying or having a breakdown. Looking back on that mindset now I think that I maybe didn’t take enough time to grieve my dad in the way that I should have – in the way that I needed to.

I have always been good with death, from a young age. When animals died, I was over it pretty quickly, and when my first nan passed away I cried for about 3 evenings and then I was okay again! My dad dying was so, so horrific and I did scream like they do in the movies when I found out and shut away for a while punching the bottom of my bath tub making my hand hurt just to release the anger. My second nan passed just last year and once again it affected me deeply but I was extremely strong about it to the extent where good friends of mine have constantly checked whether I’m okay since because they can’t believe just how generally emotionless I am about the whole thing.

I no longer want to be emotionless about my nan or my dad as I believe I have a right not to be. I have spent so much time holding it all in so that when people ask me about it I appear fine that I don’t think I have allowed myself to be upset when I damn well have a right to be! So, here begins the beginning of my grieving process.

One thing I like to do for my dad in his absence is to let off a balloon for him whenever it is his birthday or Father’s Day so that in my own little way I can show him that I still care. I know it seems silly but this is just how I cope with it all. Now, I know not everyone believes in psychics nor the existence of an afterlife, but I often go to various places and see them because they have told me amazing things.

I saw a psychic recently who told me that he saw my dad in spirit, surrounded by balloons. He asked me if there was a celebration happening but I just broke down because I knew what that meant. I knew that it meant that all those balloons I was sending were travelling to my dad and eventually arriving to the destination I intended. I thought this was so spectacular and honestly suggest that as long as you have an open mind to it, and do not expect anything to come of it, you visit a psychic if you are struggling with grief and counselling isn’t helping as it has allowed me to feel at peace with the situation more than many other things have!

I will never stop sending the balloons off to my dad as long as I live, and will surely do the same with my mum and God forbid anyone else leaves me. It is how I cope and it means the world to me that I know he is receiving them.

The reason I wanted to share this message with you all today my little milklets, is because you wouldn’t believe how many people have gone through horrific loss until you yourself go through it, and even then you know, that all grief is different, and the way you feel will never keep in line with how somebody else does. If you have lost someone or are going through loss right now, please understand that you are allowed to freely feel upset about your situation, and you are allowed to grieve. However, the bigger message that I want to send to you is to not give up, even if you feel like you could have prevented it from happening, or you know full well you had something to do with the way they died, because you can’t change what happened, but you can apologise and pray to the above to help you move forward and give you a sign that they have forgiven you.

When I mention signs, I mean to ask for a sign from anything you believe in. My dad passed away on the 9th December 2014. It was at this time quite obviously very snowy and cold, and since my dad was a sun worshipper I asked him to make the sun shine for three days. You may call me crazy or just put it down to coincidence, but what I asked for, happened and the day after it was cold again. I believe it was him.

Be brave my little milklets and if anyone needs any advice on a particular situation they are in at the moment, please do not hesitate to contact me below:

With love,

Emma xxxx

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